這是一個關於「我」的故事。本論文透過自我敘說研究，紀錄一位國、高中拒學生的生命轉化歷程。在國三升學之際，我從一位資優生變成拒學生，在到校與不到校之間，體驗憂鬱情緒和上癮行為的束縛，透過不出門方式，斷開與他者的表面連結。論文目的是希望透過研究歷程，回答拒學後的我「何以動彈不得？」及「何以能動？」，研究關注「一位受困於拒學處境之人的主體性建構」及「離開拒學處境與他者的互動轉化過程」。透過「自我文本」的回觀、反思、再詮釋、對話及故事銜接，為當年的少年發出從未吶喊的生命之聲，道出無人所知的孤寂和心靈之苦；反覆詮釋的歷程，從社會建構角度，理解他者如何形塑自我走到拒學的位置；描寫獨留心靈孤島時，關係如何穿越空間伸出援手，晚熟的我在眾人護持下，重新與社會接軌。透過自我探究，發現我的拒學行為是為了重拾安全感，在不斷撞牆的心理內耗下，保持破碎的自尊；是過度消融於他者，以致於動彈不得的結果。經由體悟了「我是誰」，以及生命會員的矯正性日常經驗，我能夠回應他者，並始終朝向他者而活。最後，在心中不滅的太陽照耀下，期待在這個時代，接下屬於我的責任。
This is a story about “I” .Through self-narrative research, this thesis chronicles the transformative journey of a student who was suffer from school refusal behavior in junior and senior high school. In the third year of junior high, I was struggling with depressive emotions and addictive behaviors. Between attending and skipping school, I ultimately isolating myself from others. This thesis aims to answer the questions of “Why was I immobilized after suffer from school refusal behavior?” and “How was I going through my life?” This research employs a subjective approach, focusing on “a person trapped in the situation of school refusal behavior” and “the process of interaction and transformation with others after leaving the situation of school refusal behavior” Through retrospection, reflection, reinterpretation, dialogue, and the narrative connection of the self-text, this thesis amplifies the unspoken struggles of that adolescent, unveiling the unknown loneliness and spiritual distress. Throughout the iterative reinterpretation process, from a societal perspective, it aims to understand that my school refusal stemmed from overly expecting reactions from others, resulting in immobilization in my life. Describing how relationships bridged the gap to offer support while I felt stranded on a spiritual island illustrates .Through self-inquiry, I discovered that my school refusal behavior stemmed from excessive assimilation into others. By understanding ”who I am” and through relationship of daily experiences, I can engage with others and consistently live with an orientation toward them. Finally, basking in the enduring inner strength, I look forward to embracing my responsibilities in this world.
